How to get rich without really trying
by Sofie
Summary: A Cats fic. Some of the toms in the junkyard form a "boyband". Things will never be the same again...


# How To Get Rich Without Really Trying

## By Sofie

Disclaimer: The song lyrics are written by Anders Edenroth from The Real Group. 

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer were bored, really bored. They had just smashed the last smashable thing in their pet-family's home, an extremely old, valuable (and in the two cat burglar's eyes extremely ugly) vase, which the mother in the family seemed to cherish more than life itself. The two cats had been chased out, followed by hysterical screams. It had all been rather amusing, but now the fun was over and they had nothing to do. They didn't feel like going to the junkyard, because Munkustrap would probably find some stupid and completely untrue reason to yell at them. So, they were sitting in the park, doing nothing, except being bored. 

"Teazer, come up with something to do", Mungojerrie whined like a little kitten. 

"Come up with something yourself", Rumpelteazer said a bit irritated. "I'm always the one coming up with ideas." 

"Yeah, and then I get blamed for them", Mungojerrie muttered. 

"What are you complaining about?" his mate asked. "I come up with the ideas and you get blamed for them. One thing each, that's perfectly fair. 

Mungojerrie considered this. Somehow it sounded wrong. But it did make sense, and he really didn't know what to respond, so he was glad when his eyes discovered something interesting in a paper lying on the ground a few inches away. 

"Look!" he said eagerly. "An article!" 

Rumpelteazer raised one eyebrow, a gesture that Mungojerrie was very envious of. No matter how hard he tried he could never raise just one of his eyebrows, the other one always followed. 

"No!" Rumpelteazer said sarcastically. "An article? In a paper? Gee, I don't think that's ever happened before. Should we call the police?" 

Mungojerrie paid no attention to her attitude. He knew that the headline of the article would get her interested. 

"It's called How To Get Rich Without Really Trying." 

"What?" Rumpelteazer exclaimed. "Hey, give it to me, give it to me!" 

"Nope!" Mungojerrie said triumphantly and held on tight to the paper. "I'll read it to you." 

"Ah, but Jerrie, you read so sloooowly", Rumpelteazer whined. 

"Fine, then I'll just read it to myself", Mungojerrie answered, and started reading, pleased with the fact that for once it was him who had the advantage. 

Now Rumpelteazer isn't a very patient cat, and she only coped for about two seconds before she gave up. 

"Ok, ok, ok! I give up! Just read it to me!" 

Mungojerrie smiled and started reading again, this time out loud. 

"How To Get Rich Without Really Trying. Well, it isn't very hard at all. People all around the world are doing it. The phenomenon started in the USA, spread to England and Ireland and then on to Germany, and now, it's conquered to world. This is what you need: Five very good-looking boys." 

"Well, that shouldn't be a problem" Rumpelteazer said. "There are a lot of cute toms in the junkyard." 

"Yep!" Mungojerrie agreed. "Just look at me!" 

"Shut up and read, Jerrie", Rumpelteazer said, but she said it with a smile. 

Mungojerrie continued the reading. 

"This five boys need different qualities, they have different roles. First we have The Young One. He is, as the name implies, younger than the others are. He should also be cute and very shy. 

"Wow! That's Pouncival in a nutshell", Rumpelteazer exclaimed. "So what are the others like?" 

"Then we have The Funny One. A bit goofy, preferably with a special interest for practical jokes." 

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer looked at each other. 

"Tumble!" they said in unison. 

"The third one is The Cool One. Cool, calm, sunglasses." Mungojerrie looked up. "Hey, I could be that one! I'm cool, I'm calm." 

"You, calm, ha!" Rumpelteazer said. "No, but Plato is pretty cool. And I think he would look great in sunglasses." 

Mungojerrie sulked for a little while, but then he went back to the article. 

"Next we have The Handsome One. If the others are cute, then this one is really good-looking. The most mature and responsible of the guys." Mungojerrie looked at his mate. "Oh, this one is really me, Teazer!" 

"Yeah, right!" Rumpelteazer laughed. "Alonzo gets this part. Read on Jerrie, read on." 

"And then last, and maybe least, we have The Quiet One. Quiet and shy, mostly used for decoration." Mungojerrie sighed. "I suppose I don't get that part either." 

Rumpelteazer patted his head. 

"I'm afraid not, Jerrie. You couldn't shut up for more than two minutes. Misto on the other hand is really good at keeping quiet. Does the article say anything more about how they should be?" 

"Remember that these boys mustn't be very intelligent. It's their money you'll be taking, so the more stupid they are, the more money for you." Mungojerrie looked up. "Well, they're not the brightest ones you can find, are they?" 

"Of course they're not, they're toms", Rumpelteazer said, and continued before Mungojerrie had figured out what she meant with that remark: "So, let's go to the junkyard and find our five victims." 

A while later they had gathered the five toms in a quiet corner of the junkyard. They had put up some resistance at first, but when Rumpelteazer had told them that they were going to be famous and that they wouldn't have any problems with getting queens, they had immediately been more co-operative. They had been given their different roles, and were all satisfied, well, Misto wasn't too happy about having to keep his mouth shut almost the whole time, and Plato thought that the sunglasses that Mungojerrie had stolen for him was a bit uncomfortable, but other than that, everything was fine. Now they were sitting in front of Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer like an obedient school class. 

"So, what do we do now?" Rumpelteazer asked her mate who was reading the next part in the article. 

"We need a songwriter" he answered and frowned. "A Swedish songwriter." 

"A Swedish songwriter?" Rumpelteazer exclaimed. "Why someone from Sweden? What's wrong with British songwriters?" 

"I don't know", Mungojerrie shrugged. "I guess Swedish people are better at writing music." 

"Great!" Rumpelteazer muttered. "Now what do we do?" 

"Isn't Pintaci from Sweden?" Alonzo said carefully, since he and the other toms had been told to keep quiet. 

Rumpelteazer stared at him for a moment. 

"Well, of course she's from Sweden", she snapped. "I knew that! Jerrie, come on, we have to find Pin. You", she said and looked at the other toms, "stay here and practice. Pounce, be cute, Tumble, be funny, Plato, be cool, Lonzo, be handsome, and Misto, be quiet!" 

The notorious pair disappeared and the remaining cats looked at each other. 

"Isn't this a bit weird?" Pouncival said hesitantly. 

"Yeah", Tumblebrutus nodded. "I mean, we're cats. Cats don't form pop-groups." 

"And they don't wear stupid sunglasses", Plato added. 

Mistoffelees didn't say anything. He took his role seriously. 

"You know what?" Alonzo said thoughtfully. "I've heard of these humans that are writing stories about cats, us. Fanfics I think they call them. And in those stories we're doing all sorts of weird things that cats don't usually do." 

"So, what are you saying", Plato asked. "That we're just part of some fanfic." 

The five toms looked around suspiciously. 

(Author shakes her head, trying to get her thoughts back on the right track.) 

At that moment Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer came back, together with Pintaci who was holding some sheets of paper in her paw. The two queens were arguing about how much a songwriter should get paid compared to a manager. They made a pause in their argument to hand out the song lyrics to the toms, and to give them the orders to practise, practise and then practise some more. 

And they did. For the next week, they practised at least eight hours a day, not only the singing and the dancing, but also their attitude. And the hours that they didn't practise they were unbearable to hang around with. Pouncival was acting like a spoiled kitten, craving everyone's love and attention. Tumblebrutus was pulling pranks on everyone, and Plato refused to take off his sunglasses. He even wore them when he was sleeping. Alonzo, when he wasn't standing in front of a mirror, was driving everyone crazy with his exhortations, and Mistoffelees never said one word. 

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer had come up with a name for the group. They had had many suggestions; New Toms on the Block, Tomzone, Junkyard Toms, and so on. But at last Rumpelteazer had decided on the name Toms, because she doubted that the group were capable of remembering a longer name. 

And so, finally came the premiere day. The old VW in the junkyard served as the stage, and the audience consisted of, except for Mungojerrie, Rumpelteazer and Pintaci, Electra, Etcetera, Jemima and Victoria, because the article said that the audience should consist of young girls. 

The toms came out on stage and started to sing. Tumblebrutus began: 

"I open up with a line About love so sweet and fine." 

Then it was Pouncival's turn: 

"I, I have the second phrase Telling you how I feel every time I see you face." 

Alonzo and Plato had the next lines: 

"You and I belong together We will never part. Love like ours will last forever This is where we start." 

And then they all, even Mistoffelees joined in for the chorus: 

"Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh We're five! And we're real! Singing and dancing at the same time In love with you We look into you eyes when we harmonize We're five! And we're real! Singing and dancing at the same time So real! So true! And we feel the way you do." 

Pouncival started the second verse: 

"I, I dream of loving you And I'm longing for they day we say, "I do"" 

Alonzo had his first solo part: 

"I have felt this way for so long And that is the reason why I want to give you my song" 

Plato and Tumblebrutus sang together: 

"I will be your friend and lover Soon I'll hold you tight. Until then you can kiss our album cover, And dream of love tonight" 

And then it was time for the chorus again: 

"Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh We're five! And we're real! Singing and dancing at the same time In love with you We look into you eyes when we harmonize We're five! And we're real! Singing and dancing at the same time So real! So true! And we feel the way you do." 

Tumblebrutus had the last solo part: 

"I just wish to be near you once again Hear you say you love me so You won't have cried those tears in vain I'll never let you go! I'm in your radio!" 

And so, the last chorus: 

"Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh We're five! And we're real! Singing and dancing at the same time In love with you We look into you eyes when we harmonize We're five! And we're real! Singing and dancing at the same time So real! So true! And we feel the way you do." 

The song was over, and Mungojerrie stared at the audience. 

"It worked", he said surprised. "It actually worked!" 

Electra, Etcetera, Jemima, Victoria, and even Demeter, Exotica and Bombalurina who had slunk in were screaming their heads off, desperately trying to get close to their new objects of undying love and affection. The Great Rumpus Cat, who Rumpelteazer and Mungojerrie had hired as bodyguard for the Toms, had a hard time keeping the crazy queens away from the car. But the toms were acting very professionally, signing autographs and being photographed, Pouncival was cute, Tumblebrutus was funny, Plato was cool, Alonzo was handsome and Mistoffelees was quiet. 

This was the beginning of an unbelievable successful era for the Toms. They travelled all around the world, they performed in the most famous junkyards, they received tons of awards, people named their kids after them, they were loved by everyone, and Pouncival was cute, Tumblebrutus was funny, Plato was cool, Alonzo was handsome and Mistoffelees was quiet. And Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer reached their goal, they got tremendously rich. 

But, all things must come to an end, and so did this. Pouncival got tired of getting pinched in the cheeks by old ladies and being bugged all the time for being the baby of the group. Tumblebrutus ran out of funny jokes. Plato got a nervous breakdown and smashed all his sunglasses. Alonzo got tired of being the responsible one, and dyed his fur purple so that he didn't have to be the handsome one either. And Mistoffelees got sick of being quiet, so he finally opened his mouth and talked for three days, hardly even breathing between sentences. The group split up, and the toms returned to their normal life back in the junkyard. But Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer didn't mind much. They had discovered that girl-groups was the future, and decided to start one of those instead. But, that, my friends, is a whole different story.   
  



End file.
